It's not all about you, dad.

Calvin's dad is a guidance counselor, so he is back in school earlier than the kids. When he got home from work one of his first days back, he said to the family "I heard you guys went swimming without me."

Calvin said, "You just think the summer is over because you have to go back to work."

Fight Club

Calvin and Aiden had been rough-housing and Halei was worried that they were hitting a little too hard. Aiden spoke up and said that they could take it. Calvin turned on Aiden and began questioning his toughness.

Calvin: If I stomped on your head, would you cry?
Aiden: No.
Calvin: If I pounded your face off, would you cry?
Aiden: No.
Calvin: I mean pounded your head all the way off?
(pause and silence in the van)
Calvin: Actually, I would never do that. I was just joking. (pause again) I WILL pound your face though.

At Dinner

Dad: Calvin, it looks like you've been flailing around on your plate of meatloaf. What a mess.
Calvin: Say that again and you'll see a BIG mess.



The next night, Calvin let his dad in on a little secret. "You know when I said that about the mess last night? I was going to pour my milk on your head."

Family pride

A couple of nights ago at dinner, Calvin got up from his seat, walked around the table and patted his year old cousin on the back.

"Keep it up, Henry."

Too many video games?

Aiden and Calvin went to visit their grandparents last night.

After a while playing Chutes and Ladders, Aiden decided he needed a break.

"Grandma," he said, "I need to pause it for a minute.

Calvin's accidental conscience

Hard to give him much credit for it, as it was more that he was too excited not to confess...

Calvin kept pestering everyone to play a matching game with him when his aunt Catherine finally gave in. Calvin set up the game and got a match on his first turn, so he got to go again. His second match in a row got him much more excited than the first, so he explained, "I cheated on the first one, but not this time!"

The difference between Calvin and Aiden? A conscience.

At his uncle's wedding recently, Aiden got to sit at a different table from his parents. When he wanted to be finished with dinner, he brought his plate over to mom and dad to see if he could be done. The plate was mostly empty, so they said yes.

About half an hour later, he brought another plate up. "We thought you were already done. Why does this plate have so much more food on it?"

"That one wasn't mine."

She might have a problem

The family was gathered around the dinner table one evening several months ago, when Halei got curious: "Mom, do you like wine?" she asked.

"Oh, oh... she LOVES wine," Calvin replied.

That isn't funny

The family went to eat at Pizza Hut recently. As they pulled into teh parking lot, Calvin and Aiden noted that there was a horse tethered to a post in the parking lot. Dad tried to be funny by saying "I hope they're not serving horse pizza or horse burgers tonight." Calvin got a disappointed and serious look on his face, leaned in to Dad and said "That horse can hear you, you know."

Miscommunication

Calvin: What will we do at Catherine's if there is a tornado?

Dad: Well, since they don't have a basement, we would probably go to the middle of the house and stay away from windows.

Calvin: Who, Julie?

Dad: What?

Calvin: Huh?

Dad: Didn't you ask me what would happen if there was a tornado while we're at Catherine's?

Calvin: Yeah.

Dad: So what about Julie?

Calvin: What are you talking about?

Video Games Can Teach about Life

Calvin was asking his dad how soon they might be able to play the Wii. In a couple of seconds was the reply.

Calvin: 1..2..3..that's a few seconds Dad.
Dad: No, I mean longer than that.
Calvin: Oh, you mean like when adults say a few seconds but they mean a few minutes.

Kindergarten - Day 1

Calvin reported that school was good. He had a hotdog, watermelon, and carrots for lunch. Kinderdgartners get 3 recesses. He was also tired from going to school all day.

Halei reported that Calvin's Kindergarten teacher and his teacher from Pre-K interrupted her classroom in the middle of the day to ask if anyone had seen Calvin Faurote. Apparently he had taken a leave of absence from his class at some point. Calvin didn't bat an eye when he told that this never happened and that he had been with his class all day.

Halei also loves her teacher.

It Runs in the Family Part II

Halei lost her drink the other day. She couldn't find it anywhere, so she had her mom start helping her.

"Did you guys take Halei's gatorade?" she asked Calvin and Aiden.

"It's not in my pocket." -Aiden.

It runs in the family

Before Calvin was old enough to go to school, it would just be his grandpa and his older sister, Halei making the trip.

One particular morning, Halei asked if, instead of going in front of or behind the local factory, they could go >under< it.She started giggling and suggested they would need to dig a tunnel to go under it. Grandpa reminded her how deep it would have to be because they would also have to go under the river, like the Chunnel in Europe connecting England and France. The following conversation then took place:

How long is it? How'd they build it, with sharks? England's an island?
They dress funny there.

What do you mean they dress 'funny'?

Big dresses.

They wear big dresses?

The guys don't, they wear tights. . . In all the books I've read, they do.

Not any more, that was back in the 16th and 17th century, now they dress
pretty much like we do.

Who's the Queen?

Queen Elizabeth.

How long has she been Queen? Who's next? Is she mean?

More than 50 years, and when she dies or retires Prince Charles will be
king, then his son Prince William. I don't know if she's mean or not.

There are 2 Princes, right?

Well, there are Prince William and Henry...

Will Henry be king next?

If William doesn't marry and have kids, Henry is next in line. If he has
kids then the kids are next in line.

If you were king who would be next?

Sean.

Then Ben?

No, you, then Calvin, unless you get married and have kids, then your
kids would be next inline.

So Cadie wouldn¹t get a chance?

Not unless you and Calvin and Aiden and all her older brothers and
sisters died.

What if she killed them?

Well yes, then she would be next in line, and sometimes that actually
happened in the old days.

How did they pick the first king?

I don't really know. Sometimes there would be different groups of people
that banded together and fought other groups of people and the winner would
take over. If they took over enough land and people, they would be the
ruler, or the king. Remember the story the sword in the stone? England had
no king so they set up a tournament, the winner got to be king. The main
challenge was to pull the sword from the stone, whoever could do it would
become king. Arthur did it. Do you know what Arthur's name was?

No

Arthur Pendragon.

Oh, oh, oh Arthur Pendragon... And Merlin. They're in Shrek 3.


And then they got to school, where it is doubtful they covered engineering, fashion, the british royal family, succession of a monarchy, political assassination, mythology and Shrek 3.

Well... maybe Shrek 3.

Back at the pool

Swimming again this evening. Calvin had just accomplished swimming the width of the pool underwater yesterday and was practicing. His dad told him that he was going to try down and back twice. When he finished, Calvin looked unimpressed and said "Can you do three?" Dad said no, probably not.

Calvin said "Jesus probably could...don't you think? He has...breath holding...powers."

The Carnival

After the church carnival fund raiser, while driving to school, his grandpa asked Calvin if he'd had fun.

Calvin talked about the piñatas and popping balloons and green Tootsie Rolls he got. As they neared the 2/3 mark of the trip, he was finishing up a part of his story, and asked if they were almost there...he was deciding if he had enough time to elaborate or if he should just stop there. Halei (Calvin's sister) told him we were not almost there, so he continued...

Calvin: We got money to buy things, not real money, just pretend toy money. I had six dollars. I got two toys and one for Aiden. Halei didn't get anything.
I got a plane... no...it was a helicopter. That was three dollars. Then a Tyranasauraus Rex, that was one dollar so I still had two dollars. Then I got a snappy thing that you snap with your thumb and put it in the floor and it jumps. I gave that to Aiden. When I had three dollars I wanted a gorilla, but that was eight dollars and I needed five more...

Halei: He's good with math.

Calvin: ?! I thought it was numbers. I didn't KNOW it was math... what's math?

Out swimming

Everyone was at the grandparents' tonight swimming. Uncle Clark wouldn't stop picking on Calvin and his brother Aiden. When he started tickling Aiden, Calvin sprang into action. He dropped his camo shorts and his Spider-Man underwear and sat on uncle Clark's bare stomach.

As Calvin stood up and put his pants back on, his dad kept asking him why he would do that, what was he thinking. Calvin didn't seem to hear him, though. He just pulled his pants up and walked away. Job well done, moving on to the next thing apparently.

An early example

A couple of years ago, this scenario took place in the bathroom at bedtime.

Dad: Calvin, you need to go to the bathroom before bed.

Calvin: (Silence)

Dad: Calvin, I need you to go to the bathroom before bed, come on.

Calvin: I'm not Calvin, I'm Spider-Man.

Dad: Fine, Spider-Man, I need you to go to the bathroom before bed.

(At this point, Calvin wrap his arms and legs around his dad's legs).

Dad: Spider-Man, get off me and go to the bathroom before you pee on my knees.

Calvin: I won't pee on your knees, I'll piss in your face!

About Calvin

Calvin is a six year old boy living in small town America. His dad made the mistake of naming him after his favorite comic strip character.

This blog is an opportunity to share some stories about why he regrets that decision.

You can also find some quotes from Calvin on twitter, @calvin_nohobbes.